Forty Something Mommy

Contrary to what you may see on television or on the internet, there is nothing glamorous about pregnancy and motherhood. Yes, being pregnant is an amazing life changing experience.  The fact that were growing life inside of our bodies is an empowering.  Being able to feel your child move while inside, the anticipation, the cute little ultrasound pictures, all super cute.

All those things are fleeting though. Once baby arrives, real life begins.

I already had a child when I was in my twenties. I honestly didn't think I would have more kids because my clock was ticking and I was single. But when I met and fell in love with my hubby, that ticking sound was getting louder and louder.  He had no kids?! Really ?! A black man in New York in his late thirties with no kids?!  He was like a unicorn!

Fast forward to today,  I've had two kids in four years in my forties, both c-sections.   They are truly my little miracle babies because I had to take fertility drugs to get pregnant with one and the other just came out of the blue when I thought I couldn't conceive without medical assistance.

What in the world was I thinking having two more kids?

That is what runs through my mind when I'm dealing with sickness, temper tantrums, wet beds, changing diapers, early mornings and the list goes on!

Sometimes, it can get really overwhelming and isolating because I'm the only one of my peers that have small children.  They have their freedom again... Their kids are young adults navigating their own lives, some even have grandchildren. That could've been me but I decided to expand my family. I don't regret that decision but I do get envious sometimes, seeing people being able to just get up and go out and go on adult vacations etc.

But at the same time, I know I'm blessed to have been able to birth children, healthy children, while being beyond my birthing years.

The mother that I am now with my two little ones is definitely different from the mother I was when it was just me and my oldest, who is almost twenty.

I was a single mother, struggling financially, looking for love from the wrong men and dealing with anxiety and depression from time to time all the while trying to raise a little girl to be the best person she could be.

That shit was hard, but I managed.

Now, having my husband to share the responsibility of the two kids is great but mom seems to always primary even if dad is around!  That's just the way it is.  Also, being a bit older, I have a lot more patience than I did in my twenties.  I have the capability to deal and move on from tantrums  and acting out with ease (sometimes).  The episodes are always temporary,  one minute they're crying and the next they're smiling want to give you a hug.

Even on a bad day, it amazing to see them grow.  They make me see beyond my needs and help me to realize that I'm shaping these little people.  They were given to me for a reason.

Tomorrow will be better.

Everyday Greatness.

Martine