We had been fighting for
weeks and each fight was worse than the last. I suspected that he was seeing
another woman, however I couldn’t prove it, but I felt it. Ever since he started working at that
internet company, something changed. A
woman can tell when there’s more to a man’s stories of his day and he had a lot
of them. Everyday he had some anecdote about the “chicks” at work. He went out of his way to tell me these
stories, it was like he was fishing for a reaction, but I would never give him
one. I let it ride; I wanted to see where it would go. This was around the same
time that he constantly accused me of “changing”. According to him, when I
started my new position at the pharmaceutical ad agency, I had changed…the only
thing that changed was my paycheck, it was larger and he was jealous…point
blank. So, he decided to try to impose
his guilt of cheating and his feelings of inadequacy by accusing me of
cheating. Typical. That coupled with the chain of verbal, emotional and
physically abusive events, I just couldn’t keep playing myself by staying with
this loser any longer.
My paranoia made me feel that
he knew something was going on. I didn’t know what made him look through the
folder that we kept all our important documents like birth certificates, social
security cards etc., but I had taken mine and my daughter’s documents out a few
days ago in preparation for that day.
My heart started pounding.
He asked me why our documents were missing. I made up some dumb story about
having to bring them to work, to copy them for the health insurance. He looked puzzled, I knew he didn’t buy it, but
he didn’t push it. Thank God… I was nervous enough about what I was about to do
a few hours from then. I was going to pack up mine and my daughter’s things and
leave him and go stay with my mother. One of my best girlfriends was coming
with her vehicle to help me haul all the things that can fit in her truck;
anything else would just have to stay. It’s just stuff, I’ll get it later, if
at all.
I had to do it that way
to avoid any more drama. My nerves just couldn’t take anything else. I was on
the brink of a nervous breakdown because of him. He was the worst husband, not
that I had anything to compare him to, but I’m pretty sure loving husbands were
not supposed to tear there wives apart every chance they got. That day I
realized that emotional abuse is far more destructive than physical abuse.
Bruises and scars heal, but when a man gets up in your head and plays on your
insecurities to bring you up and to shoot you back down, it stays with you long
after the relationship ends, sometimes years if you’re not careful. You’re not
even aware of the destructive mind conditioning you’re going through. You make
yourself believe that there is something wrong with you; over-thinking
everything, turning yourself into a pretzel to try to please a man that’s
abusing you. I couldn’t understand how I had allowed myself to be in such an
emotionally battered state. What happened to me? I used to be so confident; I
didn’t take shit off of anybody. Why did I put up with him and his shit?
The answers to these
questions come to me after sometime of separation, reconciliation and another
separation which has finally ended in divorce.
However, I’m getting way ahead of myself. So I’ll digress back to the
day that I left the bastard.
Our daily morning routine
was that he left the house first; he had to be to work very early, the kids
went off to school, then I left for my walk to the train station. But instead
of getting on the train, I sat inside the train station for about 1 ½ hours waiting for enough time to pass so that
I can go back home and start packing. Before I walked back home, I made sure to
call him at work, just to make sure he was where he was supposed to be. I
called to let him know I made it to work, like the responsible wife. He’s such an asshole. The coast was clear except for his mother,
she was home, but I can deal with her, she’s elderly and not a threat to
me. And if I had to, I was prepared to
smack her up and put her nosy ass in check.
Walking back home from
the train station, I realized that that would be the last time I would walk
through the neighborhood I’ve come to love and call home. The multicultural community of was
so rich in history and architecture. My dream was to buy a colonial home there that had a front porch, huge backyard and great
room… the works! So when I took that
last walk back up the main street of the town, I made it a point to really soak in the
local color. It was a beautiful fall day
and the temperature was warmer than usual but I welcomed the unseasonable
weather. I shuffled through the leaves
and found the perfect maple tree leaf; it had a translucent blend of orange,
yellow and red. My daughter would love
this leaf, she collects them. Damn, my
daughter… what was I going to tell her? The only person that mattered to me at
that moment was her. Once we get to my mother’s house, my main concern is to
make her as comfortable as possible, put her into a good school and reassure
her that we’re going to be alright; better even. I’ve already planned on
enrolling her into a catholic school in the city, that way she will ride the
train with me and I can drop her off to school and go on to work. I became more pensive and forgot all about
enjoying my last walk in town, just
that quick my conscious mind took over again. I approached my block and thought
about the hours that lied ahead. In a few minutes, I’m going to have to deal
with my mother-in-law. I thought of some
bullshit story to tell her, like I was sick and my boss sent me home.
“Who’s that?” she yelled
as I came through the door.
She comes charging
through the living room like she was really going to do something if it were an
intruder or something! She’s too funny.
“Monica ?! What the hell
are you doing here?”
“Hey Ma, I came back home
cause I’m not feeling well and my boss sent me home” I replied.
“You not feelin’ well?
What’s wrong with you? You pregnant? I hope you ain’t pregnant”.
“No, I’m pretty sure I’m
not pregnant Ma, I’m going upstairs to go to bed, see you later”. I turned away
and started for the stairs
“Hold on a minute missy…”
she said.
“Yeah?” I turned halfway back around still moving
toward the stairs.
“Lemme have a cigarette
and don’t tell my son, okay?”
I chuckled. That old lady
was a piece of work; she could be evil as hell. There was no telling how she
was going to act on any given day.
“Yeah Ma” I dug in my
purse. “As a matter of fact Ma, here take three. Those should last you till
tonight” I replied.
“Thank youuuu” she said
happily.
I sped up the stairs and
started on my mission. I hated having to mislead her like that, but freedom was
just over the horizon and I wasn’t about to fuck it up.
My girl friend was on her
way, so I had to pack fast. I stashed garbage bags in my closet days before.
Yes, I planned this great escape! Anyway, by the time she arrived I had just
finished garbage bagging everything of mine and my daughter’s. I ran outside to meet her and I was so happy
to see a friendly face. I hugged her so tight and at that moment I realized how
truly nervous I was. I was literally shaking in her arms and I started to tear
up because I was so grateful to her. Most people would not do what she was
doing for me and my daughter. We were
always friends before this but this was the start of a very special bond
between the two of us. I was in a really bad place emotionally and she helped
me, there are just some things I don’t ever forget and I will never forget how
she was there for me at a time when I needed someone, no matter how far she is
or how long we don’t speak. We will forever be friends.
After we released our
embrace, we took deep breaths and walked into the house. I unplugged the
telephone from the wall so my mother in law could not call my husband and risk
him coming home while we’re still hauling my things out; his job wasn’t very
far from the house. I told the old lady
I was leaving her son, so please stay out of my way. She didn’t seem too surprised,
but she did stand around while me and my friend carried stuff out as if I was
going to steal something out of my own house! She asked me if he knew that I
was leaving and I just said “yes” to get her out of my face. At that point, I started to get nervous, even
though I unplugged the phone, I thought she was going to reach him somehow, so we
picked up the pace and got the hell out of dodge…next stop, my daughter’s
school.
Here was the part that I
was dreading for days; explaining to my daughter why I was at her school to
pick her up, and why were we leaving to go live with grandma. I was so torn about how this break up would
affect her, but I had to do it. He wasn’t her real father anyway, although she
did call him daddy, she knew he wasn’t her biological father. She longed to see
her real father again and when the time is right, I will make sure that happens
for her. I knew it would be fine in the long run. My dysfunctional and abusive relationship didn’t
set a good example for her. I held on to that and it made me stronger. When we walked out of her school and into the
parking lot, I took a moment to talk to her before we got to the truck.
“Mommy..? Why are you
picking me up from school so early, we were about to go to art class” She
looked puzzled and disappointed that she was going to miss art.
“Well… because you and I
are going to go live with grandma starting today”
“All of us… why are we
all going to live with grandma?”
“No, baby not all of us…
just me and you. We’re not going to live in this town anymore. Daddy and I are not
going to live together anymore”.
She tilted her head to
the right and was silent for a few seconds; her brown eyes looked directly into
mine. Then she spoke.
“Ooooh, I know why mommy,
I know why, you and daddy yell a lot, you cry a lot. Is that why mommy?” she asked.
“Yes, that’s a big part
of it. We’ve tried to work it out but its best for you and me if we go back to Queens . We’ll stay
with grandma for a while until we get our own place and you’ll go to a new
school too. I’m sorry baby, to take you
from your school and friends, but I promise, our lives will be much better once
we leave…I promise.” I grabbed her
and hugged her tightly. I replied.
“It’s okay mommy, I could
tell you were sad a lot so now maybe now you’ll smile more”. She said.
“Yeah, baby girl, maybe
so”. I responded. She was right.
To my surprise, she didn’t
take it hard at all! I was feeling very guilty up until that point, but it was
like she was waiting for us to leave. She had witnessed the fights, his verbal
and emotional abuse, my constant crying, my depression and my chronic turmoil. Children can be surprisingly understanding, just
when you think that they have no clue, they surprise us and show us that they
are more observant than we give them credit for.
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