Daddy Issues

I wrote this piece a very long time ago... (2006) but it is still very relevant today and I hope there are other women who read this, young and old, who realize that we all have some sort of daddy issues, minor or major and it all manifests and affects us in different ways.  Once you realize your childhood traumas are affecting you in adulthood, it's easier to address and resolve.

Dear Dad
A personal essay

I have such fond memories of my father as a little girl.  He used to take me to church every Sunday; most of the time it was just me and him.  He was the parent that was home after school.  He would help me with my homework, being that my mother worked afternoons through the evening, he and I would sit and eat the dinner she made for us before she went to work.

All the memories of asking your dad for money for candy, toys or clothes…. I have them.  The memories of your father keeping a watchful eye on his pubertal daughter…I have them.  Unfortunately, those memories came to a halt when my parents got a divorce and ever since then, the relationship with my father went downhill.  It was like he divorced me too.  I couldn’t understand it.  Did I do something wrong?  What could a sixteen-year-old possibly do to her father to make him not want to come around anymore?  I really missed him; I really needed his guiding hands. 

They always say that girls need their mothers more, which is true to a certain extent, but a girl also needs her father just as much to teach her self-worth and to serve as a model to which she will someday pick her husband.  A father needs to be around for his daughter, especially during the pubescent teenage years.  As chivalrous as this may sound; women do pick their mates, not the other way around.  We have the power to say “Yes, I’ll go out with you” or “No, thank you”.  That is where her father comes into play.  Our fathers are the first men we fall in love with, he sets the standard for all men to follow, but if you don’t have your father; a good father figure around then you have nothing to go by.  I made a lot of not so good choices in men.  I was always seeking my boyfriend’s approval, I felt like I was never enough, even when they told me I was more than enough, it never stuck.  My self-esteem was really low and you would’ve never known it.  On the outside, I’m a smart, attractive, fun loving, level headed woman, but inside, I’m lacking the self-esteem to know my worth.  I allowed many men to use me for my body, my money, and my good heart.  At the time, it never occurred to me that I was being used and more importantly, that I didn’t have to take that kind of treatment from anybody.  All I knew was that I wanted a man to love and take care of me.  I thought that was the answer, but I soon realized that I needed to love and take care of myself first…truly and then Mr. Right would come to me. 

I haven’t seen my father since October 4, 2003.  It is now June 2006 and I’m separated. Since I haven’t spoken to him in a long time, I decided to write him a letter, letting him know how I really feel.

Dear Dad:

I haven’t heard from you in a while; I hope you’re doing well.  The last time that I saw you, you gave me away at my wedding, which was approximately three years ago.  I miss you Dad.  I wish we had a close enough relationship that you would’ve told me about what you really were “giving me away” to.  I had no idea.  I was completely naïve to the pressures and strains a marriage can face.  I rushed into the marriage thinking he was going to save me and take care of me and my child.  I felt a sense of relief at the thought of not having to do it alone anymore.

In retrospect, our marriage didn’t really have a running chance.  We had all the odds stacked high up against us and we still thought that we had what it took to knock the odds down.  I really believed we did.  You never really know someone until you have to face adversity with them.   All of a sudden you start realizing things about your spouse you didn’t see before; disturbing things that completely turn you off, things that if you knew before, you wouldn’t have married them.  My marriage has accumulated so much hurt in a matter of three years that I didn’t know where to turn.  I still love him, I don’t hate him, but a lot of love was lost. 

I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on this situation since you are an experienced man and you were married to my mother for 17 years.  Is it something that I’m doing wrong?  Am I making the wrong choices in men?  Dad, I used to think he was like you!  Believe that?  He is definitely not like you.  I think I was caught up in the notion of marrying a man like my father when he really wasn’t like you to begin with.  I think I was missing you so much I was blinded.  His idea of a good woman would be a woman that supplements him.  In my opinion, the ideal mate is one who is complimentary, not supplementary.    Before I met him I was independent, confident, out-going and knew what kind of life I wanted.  Since I’ve been with him, I haven’t been able to get ahead spiritually nor financially.  He lost his job before we got married, and stayed unemployed for 18 months before he found another one.  It was the most difficult period in my life, but we got by.

Dad, I am well aware that when you get married, you give up some of yourself for the sake of the union.  What I wasn’t aware of is that I was to give up those things to take on being my husband’s psychiatrist, second mother, sex kitten, secretary, ATM machine, emotional punching bag, and housekeeper.  How much of me is actually left for me or even my daughter?  Who I feel needs me more than he does.  After all, he is a grown man.  Why does he look towards me to be so much for him?  I guess it would be alright if it was reciprocated, but, of course, it wasn’t.  I didn’t remotely get any of those things from him.  Is he incapable of taking care of himself?  Did his mother spoil him so much that now he seeks the same in his wife? 

Dad, help me.  I lost you 17 years ago when you and mom divorced at a time in my life when a male figure was desperately needed.  I needed you to teach me about my self-worth. I needed you to keep me on track with my education.  I needed you to scare away those “bad boyfriends” and open my eyes to a strong and complete man.  I needed to hear you say “You’re too good for him baby” over and over again until I found the right one.  Instead, I looked for love in all the wrong places, I was promiscuous and my naiveté and a string of unhealthy relationships got the best of my spirit.

I guess I’m writing you this letter to let you know what’s been going on in my life and to find out if you have any words of wisdom for me, if not I would just really like to know if you’re okay.  Your granddaughter asks for you a lot.

Love always, your daughter

I don’t blame my father for my string of bad relationships or my troubled marriage, but I really think that it would’ve helped my self-esteem more if my father was around when I was making these choices in men.  Looking back, I realized that I sought comfort from the wrong kind of people, I allowed them to strip me of my self-esteem and self-confidence.  I longed for validation from my dad that I didn't receive, so I sought it from various men.  I was so down on myself, that I didn’t feel I could trust my own choices anymore; I was so afraid to make the wrong one, yet again.   Since then, I made the decision that I was going to be more selective about who I dated and I started working on myself and focusing on my daughter; giving her more of me and giving less of me to others.  Fast forward to the present, I'm happily married, I had two additional amazing daughters and I'm still thriving and progressing in my life and endeavors.


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